SisSTARS for PEACE ... Proud to be for Peace and Love...War is Not an Answer!
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them--that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." -Lao-Tse
"The fates lead him who will--him who won't, they drag." -Seneca

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Bare With Me...

Been having writer's block, which is more like "editing myself" I believe, since so often the things on my mind make other people uncomfortable. Yes, here he is again, folks, my dead brother.

I was rummaging around being in the "Now" and found something I wrote 2/07 when Dana was "Six Months Gone" (and now, after I did 'the count' it's been 22 months). If I've written this here before, I do not know. I only know I just found it and in lieu of coming up with anything currently original ;o) I will be my own "Scribe" and repeat after me:

"Six Months Gone"
My brother--I saw your young widow today
w/the brood like a mother hen, but she's still
a chick.

I answered the childrens' questions, "Where
was my dad's bedroom?"
"Where did your parents sleep?"
"Why don't you sleep w/uncle...?"
"Why, why, why?"

I saw glimpses of them individually checking
me out--do I resemble you in any small way
that comforts them?
We have the same white hair--
My eyes are blue, but never blue as yours.
Your son got some of your clothing--esp of
interest is your bathrobe--he is eager to wash
it tomorrow--the belt got dropped in the mud.

We ate pizza, we laughed, we looked around and
at each other.

Your woman has a new man now--I tried my best
to not be sad about it--
You may have replaced her as soon had you been
left behind--with such a young brood--with a will
to go on--
to live and keep on going--
to make a new life--
--to face each new day w/out the Other.

Your two grandsons were here, too--
I just realized it was the baby's first visit.
He's a screamer--and very inquisitive and
he has blonde hair and blue eyes.
I wish I could scream, too, but alas! I need
to set a good example.
We all went to the Salv Army for a little
salvation...of clothing for the babies--
your 6 yr old Capricorn grandson kept
finding things to buy for his little brother--
the little Virgo brother like you.

When he found the red-tagged Goofy doll--
I gave him the $2 so he could buy it.
I was so proud of him.
I bought him a sleeping bag and little cars
his uncle (your son) helped him pick out.

I am glad we all got to visit--
I'm glad I let them all freely talk--they wanted
to see where I put your ashes.
I showed them the silver tiny trinket boxes
w/the little garden gnomes and your little pewter

They find me amusing and I do believe they found
some comfort--as did I--in being together--
all because of you, my brother--
all because of you.

After all was quiet on the old home front--the
guys gone to work, Mama Chick & her brood
long gone and tucked away at home--the home you
helped create for them--
I stood in the back room by your old bedroom, I
looked for white hairs on your bathrobe--I slipped
it on and soaked in a little of your essence, then took
it off and tossed it in the laundry basket--
picked up our cat across my shoulder...and danced.

The song just now ending is, "How Do I Live Without
The answer, I believe, is ... "you just do."

God speed, my brother.
klh-2/17/07 1:25 am"

sometimes when I post something I find myself checking back over and over again for any comments and get so excited when there are some ... and find myself getting sad when no one ccomments. I think that's why I've had "writer's block" because I shouldn't have to need to know anyone else has read any of this, but to have expressed it for myself and set it free out there in the "byte me" world ... only with the hopes that, should it touch anyone, they simply breathe a heavy or gentle sigh my way, and I won't feel lonely in my grief...and it's just that "Spring can hang you up the most."

Two tiny pink waterlilies bloomed today, and a white peony and spirea and toads and frogs sang the rains in from the pond...I sat on the front porch that reminds me of someone's backwoods cottage, esp after the downpour rains, and "made money" with the huge bouquet of Lunarias I've stored in the garage for several yrs. We have quite a nice crop of the plants now, also known as "Money Plants". I figured it was great to sow seeds of money at our front porch and to watch it grow year after year. They are so fun release the seeds on both sides to have the pearly white inner coin. I think I'll start a Money Plant/Lunaria business ;o)

I made a couple cards for friends which I find great fun and calming for me--and most often appreciated a lot, the best part. Someone said I had a "ministry of letters" (of course, he was referring to the two friends I write to in jail/prison, but it's all the same--the sharing of oneself for mutual comfort/entertainment, eh?). How about "Mistress of Letters"? Oh, now I'm really going off the deep end.................gonna git.

KLH - "Keep Laughin' Honey!"

GO RED WINGS!!! 3-2 in the 3rd period, game 5 at the Penguins (those youngsters haven't made it easy--and even now, afterall, game 4 was Sudden Death with 3 OTs after those Penguins hit one in w/34 seconds of the game left--I hear tell the Stanley Cup was all polished, coming up the hallway with champagne, ready, ready to soak someone....and!!!!! EEEEKKKKK! shrieking halt! Nadda ... Penguins won it in the Power Play in the 3rd OT. Lots of sleepy people the next day around here, even me (heavy sigh). (OK, husband, how's that for being supportive, eh, Dude?)


jeff said...

You shouldn't need anyone to comment to keep writing, but I will anyway. More money outside our front door, a great idea. How about them RED WINGS !!!!!!!

Sandpiper said...

I think your writer's block has ended because this is a really good post! :-)

Dancin' Fool said...

Hello! I stopped by to check out your blog and say thank you for your lovely comment on mine.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. Your post touched me and I wanted to say gave me a glimpse of a lovely family and a lovely man who was so very instrumental in that family. Beautiful post.

Happy Sunday to you, I hope the sun is shining......or if it's night time the stars and you are enjoying restful sleep!

(Always glad to know a Frank Zappa fan! Bye for now!)

Second Edition said...

This snapshot of your family and your brother's absence brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being my pen pal as we pursue our dead brothers. Together.