Photo: Alabaster Angel Lamp with Bird
and bracelet made by a friend...beside my bed, Jan 2013-klh
I don't remember many times in life that I've this much convalesced
though it brings me to thoughts of my youth...having no spirit, listless and breathless
afraid to have fun ... and laughter could do me in and did many a time
or chaos would turn me to a quivering mass of anxiety
hoping it wouldn't arrive...
the choking and gasping and fear in my loved ones' eyes and their fear making mine more intense!
being told, "Stop or you're going to the hospital!" would cause only more terror and squeeze out my life-breath.
I understand now the stress of it on all our lives--the extra care I sometimes needed--and it'd make me cry to release some tightness in my chest where my heart resided,
yet I never did think I could die.
I know now that absence of knowledge often did keep me alive.
Now I've done something that never has happened--I fell like a wad of old clothes--the weather was cold and the ground it was slushy and my foot gave way as I waved my love bye bye,
so grateful that he did see me and came back to help free me
from a pain I never had known, (though the moment I learned of my brother's death years before was the closest that I could compare).
I got my wish of a week before that I wished I could just go out and scream! as I was feeling such stress from my health and my duties and barely could see an end.
I screamed, it seemed, forever--then the EMTs got me to laugh--and I said, "You know what I'm sad the most for?" and the one called Rich said, "What's that?" and I told him the kitties out by the dumpster, I never thought I'd have to stop helping," and that I needed to call the doctor I worked for who expected me any time........
That seems a long time ago now, though it's just shy of 3 weeks--I remain convalescing in this childhood home--trying to forget the pain and the grief.
***On 1/28/13 I broke my right ankle on both sides and spent 6 days in the hospital, waiting until 1/31 to have the surgery ... been home healing, my dedicated husband caring for me in so many ways, and I am grateful for his care and the skill of the surgeon ... and my friends who keep sending out good wishes and prayers, phone calls and cards and emails and facebook ... I have about 10 hrs a day M-F home alone, well, with Tuffy Boy ... when Jeff has to work ... and I have two jobs that are being held for me (thankfully), however, with no pay ... for at least 6-8 weeks. Our homeowners ins only covers "other people" for this type of injury ... so we shall see what the health insurance does, already having inquired about any third party insurer. I can see if I am not able to walk for 6 wks or more, doing this in the winter must be the 'best of any time' it could've been done. I had never broken anything, but my heart perhaps...and pledge to do my best to heal well to honor my dear husband. I am reading lots of books and listening to meaningful music and various media I hadn't gotten to before. Me and Jeff are watching a lot of Dr Who ... and I am happy when I see him enjoying some time, also. So I am on the mend and exorcising some of the feelings this has invoked (evoked?) in me as the above poem has got to be good, things that were buried but not gotten rid of.............and I need to go now and elevate my foot ... always elevating! elevating my spirits, not letting it get me down ... being brave....in my convalescence.....from Your SisSTAR xoxoxoxo