Your shoe's untied!

I wanted to be the first to play an April Fool's trick on you! So I'm early, so sue me! We used to open a bottle of beer and pour it into a glass and hide it in the refrigerator and then fill it full of water and put the cap back on for when Dad got home from work. Thing is, he always knew we were going to do it but he was such a good sport. It was just when we changed the salt and sugar around and he put salt on his Rice Chex that he wasn't too happy. I used to call in and say I was quitting my job and then show up before my boss had stopped pissing and moaning about it. I called in "mentally ill" and went out and got blasted...oops! I digress! That was just tooooo long ago to write about (well, the beer episode was longer ago, but as I say, forget that one!) My favorite is "your shoe's untied" and almost always everyone looks down, even those who are barefoot or wearing slip-on shoes. Ha! Tee hee hee. But I don't like jokes played on me. Funny how that is, eh? Maybe it was all the humiliation I suffered as a child from having a boy's name or being the 2nd tallest kid in kindergarten (felt like a monster at that age) and my brother was this teeny little thing. If he was around, I'd call him right now and tell him, "Hey, your shoe's untied, you son of a bitch! Why'd you have to go and fall asleep at the wheel and run that stop sign and smash yourself into oblivion?" Damn it! I'll have to let go of that one of these days soon. People are starting to talk. Well, they're not because I won't let them. I don't answer the phone a lot and I don't return messages. I do send cards and letters, though. Maybe that's the coward's way. I get to say whatever I want and no one can ask me anything I don't feel up to answering. I like it when people just say, "So how are you doing?" and I know they mean: "Are you getting it together yet, SisSTAR?" Well.....as the Jester, The Fool, the Crank, the Trickster, Kokopelli, the Coyote, the Stooge ... I wish you all out in our viewing audience an APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!! Don't fool yourself, you ARE too special! You are damn awesome and wonderful and I love you!

SisSTAR xoxoxoxo

P.S. I can hardly wait for the frogs to start chirping from the pond!! I hope my baby bullfrogs have been having a peaceful slumber thru this long-assed winter!

Cemetery Blues

Bought lovely bouquet of flowers and choc chip muffins, headed for the cemetery to dance in remembrance of Dad and Mom's anniversaries. Felt kinda dreary as the weather was too chilly for my hopes of sitting on the ground and having that muffin-eating picnic. I even took one of my precious agates from Oregon mailed to me by Holly Jo--to slip in the vase of flowers to commemorate the birthplace of my father. We looked in the trunk for something to sit on but nothing was there. I said, oh, it's OK. We'll just stand and dance and eat our muffins. Took a big jug of water for the flowers. We got closer and closer and saw many fresh graves, one of which was right smack above my parents' headstone. The huge piled up mud was covering 85 percent of their marker about 4" thick. I had hoped for a happy moment but then Jeff cut himself trying to clear all the mud off their names and when I saw blood mixed with the mud I just started to cry and said I just wanted to leave. We shoved the flowers in the vase which didn't look too attractive in all that muddy mess and I was certain when the workers came to finish their job for the people whose feet lie just above my parents' heads, that the flowers would be ruined and cast aside anyway. We left with me bawling my eyes out and I asked Jeff to drive up to the office where I hurriedly went inside and told "Big Steve" (yes, it was on his business card) that it was my parents' 65th anniv and that they had both been buried on their anniversary and that of all the days to see their gravesites like that, it wasn't great timing on their part. I told him I understood that they had lots of fresh graves out there, it was plain to see, but that at any time someone's loved one could appear and that it would be respectful if they'd be more inclined to not dump someone else's grave dirt on top of what one comes to "look at". He complained about how the door was supposed to have been locked, that he'd had 4 phone calls after closing time and he'd probably be there another hour and was trying to get home. He filled out a work order and gave me his apologies and his card (please, Big Steve, don't call me or send me any propaganda on buying my own fucking grave shit--I ain't going that route!) and we went home and ate our muffins. Later on we went to the Salv Army and I found some really fun things and due to spinning the big "wheel" at arriving at "43", I got 43% off all those things that weren't 1/2 off anyway. Folks were married in 1943--that was the first thing I thought: "I knew you'd want me to be happy, Mom and Dad, and I know you would've felt bad for my good intentions to have been thwarted." And on the way home, it was so sweet watching Jeff briskly walking in the dark to retrieve the bouquet of flowers so that I could take them home, arrange them in my parents' Silver Anniv vase they had from in 1968 and know they'd want us to have them here. "No entry after dusk" my ass, Big Steve! I know to be Herenow is what's real and I won't dwell on my sad little picnic, but turn it into a celebration of my life here with Jeffrey, in the home begun by Jo and Dana 60 yrs ago ... and we shall carry it on and be joyful. When my time comes, I shall be pulverized and burnt and perhaps blown away like wisps in the wind ... I've had enough mud for one lifetime. Dust in the wind, Baby! Happy Trails, my beautiful family xoxoxo ... and to my wonderful husband: "You made this day beautiful for me and I thank you. I am blessed." XO

To Gnome Me Is To Love Me

Dana and Josephine Haswell were married 65 yrs ago today in Detroit on a windy day. They were engaged on Valentine's Day just prior. Married 9 yrs before I came along, I guess they probably had a lot of fun before then. My brother Dana was born 20 mos after me and we were the psychological prototype for father/mother/daughter/son with lots of sibling rivalry, me and dad pairing up against mom and bro and then alemende (sp?) left and alemende? right, and dosie doe and swing your partners round and...well, hard to fill in the DASH, as in that dash that goes between the birth and death years on your obituaries or gravestones, etc. So, the folks were married 65 yrs ago and then 22 yrs ago Pa was eulogized and planted then 15 yrs ago Ma the same. It's just about a mile and a half to visit their gravesites with the trailing roses on their bronze flat marker, a built-in hole of a vase there for only fresh flowers. I'm going to get up later on and buy 'em some pretty flowers and talk my husband into having a quick little visit and muffin-eating picnic and maybe just a real quick waltz over their resting place. I snuck a little origami folded paper box with some of my brother's ashes there under the sod on his 1st birthday after he died so they'd all be together in some essence. So many Saturday nights when we were young we'd listen to the Grand Ol' Opry or Lawrence Welk and the 4 of us would dance in the kitchen. Happy Anniversary, Mother and Father. I'm glad you hung in there together. Maybe it wasn't until you were both buried on your anniversary 7 yrs apart that I truly realized you were meant to be together all along. That old "hindsight" ... if only we could get the wisdom of hindsight by way of foresight more often than not. I'll be thinking of you as dancing.
(Funny how the title and photo have not one thing to do with the subject, eh? Gotcha!)

I Remember Mama

Josephine Link Haswell

11-26-16 to 3-26-93

Mama, I'll always remember the last night I saw you and the steady look between our blue eyes and me tickling your legs and you not liking it, and the depth of love I felt, and leaving visiting hours early because you were ready to rest. I didn't know it was the last time I'd see you alive, but if it had to be, you looked peaceful and that special look between us will last me the rest of my life. I often see it again, in the mirror. I love it when I dream about you and it feels like a visit. I truly do miss you. Living here in the home you and Father built 60 yrs ago is healing and a blessing for me and Jeff. I named our "stray" cat after your nickname, Tuffy, and he takes over your rocking chair and your hope chest (and most everything else). I sometimes hug the Quaker Oats oatmeal box and think of how I teased that you looked just like him ... as now I do (pay-backs, eh?) and I remember such beautiful things you taught me and what a kind and loving person you were. Anything else to the contrary, I strive to let go by the wayside. I cannot believe it's been 15 yrs since I saw you. Time is irrelevant, though, isn't it, Mama? I feel very blessed. Thank you for my life.

Your Daughter, Kyle Lynn xoxo

p.s. I know how pleased you are that I have found peace and contentment in my marriage now of over 22 yrs! Miracles happen, eh?

Resurrecting

Some special quotes to ponder...

Enlightenment, peace and joy will not be granted by someone else. The WELL is within us and if we dig DEEPLY in the present moment, the water will SPRING forth.

--Thich Nhat Hanh

from:

A Cherokee Feast of Days

by Joyce Sequichie Hifler

MARCH 23RD:

Whatever our age, a child still lives within us. We are innocent in ways we do not understandstand we find great contentment in having no need to know all and be all. Hope lives in the inner child that is aware and guileless. Befriend this childlike part of yourself. Lean back into this--the most real part of yourself--and pray.

Little things make us who we are: what we say to ourselves in the privacy of our own minds, what we believe about ourselves, and what we see as important. This little child within us is important. We are who we are because of our choices, and some of our smallest choices have the greatest influence. Listen to the child within, and you will be guided well in the choices you make.

"All are made by the same Great Spirit Chief." -- Chief Joseph, Nez Perce

and one of my favorites from this same book (under April 26th):

Gardening keeps us close to the earth. When we are good planters and good caretakers, we see results--not once, but many times and in many ways. The garden we walk in more than any other is the one closest to us--the garden of our minds. What are we planting there? What we hear, what we read, what we say--these all plant ideas in our minds. Every area of life reflects the beautiful colors and fragrances of what we think and talk about--because our words plant flowers or weeds. What will you plant today?

"Watch your words, they will come true." -- Essie Sequichie, Cherokee

Special blessings to those "reading me" ... I will strive to think the highest and best.

SisSTAR Kylita xoxoxoxo

Full Moon Friday

Tried to find an awesome photo, changed my header to my big toadstool mushroom with my brother's little pewter wizard and crystal ball--taken out in the yard. First full day of Spring and it's snowing like a bitch out there. But of course! I remember right after my mom's funeral 3/29/93 when it was getting real spring-like out and we'd come back to her house (ours now) and soon as I looked out the picture window, there were lots of robins in the yard when, SWOOP! down came a big-assed hawk and snatched one right up...and it seems like it started snowing right after. I remember shortly after we drove to the cemetery for the first time (not having graveside services) and it was snowing and snowing, and I took one big red rose off her grave (their grave--dad having died 7 years prior and also buried on 3/29/86). It was their anniversary when they were both buried, their funerals, and I made sure there were 50 red roses for them as it was their Golden Anniversary. We talked about them dancing somewhere, and I kept telling people "their funeral" was such and such...and it felt that way. And you know, folks, I don't mean to be obsessed with death if it seems that I am, but next week is the anniv of their deaths and their anniversary and the sunshine I got to see for about 1/2 an hour yesterday after being hid away in my "Cubbyhole Sweet Cubbyhole" until nearly 7:30 pm was so welcome. I came walking out of the bathroom in the ofc bldg I work in and saw this unbelievably bright light coming in at the end of the hall--I thought I was having a near death experience! ;o) but it was coming from due west where the sun was going down and it was beautiful. And I had to turn eastward to go home and lo and behold! there was an enormous full moon exactly above the eastern horizon as the sun was above the western. It reminded me of me and my husband right now ... opposites ... ships passing in the night (with his new job on afternoons). It reminded me that my father had died on Good Friday in 1986 during a full moon. Last time I saw my dad he was snoring to beat the band. It gave me comfort to feel that he was sleeping good. Then he died. We got to go and say goodbye around 3:30 a.m. or so, my mom, Jeff, me and Dana, my brother. I remembered the last time my brother and I were with my mom together was St Patrick's Day, and that my grandfather, Frank Haswell, had died on St Patrick's Day in 1918!!! (no, never met the guy) and how he looks in his photo exactly like my brother, except he had a handlebar mustache. They both died when they were 52 of accidents--he from some buzzsaw cutting into his hip and getting gangrene and Dana from being asleep at the wheel. I need! the sunshine and the April showers to bring May flowers. I need to see the flowers shooting out of the ground, even those my father planted, and those my brother planted. I have 2 ancient Christmas Cacti which were my Grandma Haswell's which bloomed and bloomed over the holidays until March! Nature helps me heal my broken heart, my broken Soul. I feel so blessed to live here in the home my parents built. I used to be ashamed of it when I was young...it was made of "cinder block" -- ooh, how awful! and it wasn't big and spacious like my more "white collared" fathered friends who, when we would visit them, we'd have to take our shoes off and be real quiet for fear of bothering the dads ... or moms. They'd come to our house and they'd all crack up and laugh and my folks were such characters. And, yes, they might have had too much to drink sometimes on the weekends, because Saturday nights were date nights for them...local bar and a fish fry or some such thing. My dad would drink his boilermakers and come home and recite us the most unbelievable poetry! I wish I would've written some of them down so I could remember them (maybe even embarrass my own children reciting them, if I had any--and I don't think Tuffy gives a shit!) But so often what I recall as feeling embarrassed was really not feeling like we were "acceptable" enough for others. We had (ssshhhhhh) "mental illness" and "alcoholism" in our families. And we goddamn dealt with it as best we could. But all through it all, we had a lot of love and honesty to go along, to help delve through and find ways to heal myriad levels of ancestral inequities. Have you ever noticed how not many of the very old photos of ancestors had them smiling or looking remotely content? Some say it was because of the photographic process and you had to be very, very still. I say it doesn't take long to show happiness and contentment, that it was just damned hard trying to be oneself and feeling like you were OK the way you were. Stiff upper lip, pip pip!! Well.......I see once again I've rambled on. I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what it was going to be. I didn't find that perfect picture to post...because I don't have any of my parents, or of a full moon, and I guess this was just about as good of a Good Friday as one can expect. I'm just waiting for my husband to get home from his new job. And I better go check on Tuffy Boy...he's out up to his pantaloons in snow waiting for "Daddy".
Goodnight and Happy Spring, regardless of Winter's hanging on for dear life. And I want to wish our Home a Happy 60th Anniversary this year. I'm very proud of it now because I know what it took to build it and keep it going and going. Speaking of going and going, did I mention that I have my mom's old transister radio, little small black plastic piece of shit with an antenna, that has got to be well over 17 yrs old or more (it's been 15 yrs since mom died) and has the same 9 volt battery in it she had...and that bugger still works every time I turn it on! Hello!? She used to keep it by her bedside and listen to "talk radio" and the Tiger's baseball games. It used to drive me nuts. Now it makes me smile and just want to hug it! Do you think the Energizer Bunny would make a private stop at my home? I shit you not! That battery is the same one. I found the radio on the floor of the closet in her bedroom, which was the one I slept in since I was born, and sleep in again now. Oh, it's a G.E. when they were made in the U.S.A. Another "bankshot" thought! My brother used to call me "Goody Twoshoes" because I always ragged on him when he drank and ?? whatever made me so crazy...and I was such a straight arrow (OK, don't believe me) but there's an Adam Ant song called Goody Twoshoes with the line: "You don't drink, you don't smoke, what do you do? Subtle innuendos, there must be something inside!" Yeah, baby!
(P.S. Please let Jesus off the cross, OK?)

In Gratitude

All my good comes to me

because the Light I strive to see

Should fears or worries come my way

They'll flee like shadows fly in sunshine

The Light I see is Me.

I am a Light unto myself

Flowing outwardly to others

Shadows cast differing views ... inherently good nor bad

Kaliedoscopic pictures to be had

Leading to cast-no-shadows

Light of great return

Bathed in the streaming lines

of the Universal Grid

Somewhere in the middle of a sceneless

vision bright

Burst at the seeming influx, neither day nor night

Lightly floating in the Herenow

Like nowhere else on Earth.

And I am so grateful.

-klh

The Witching Hour -Sat/Sun

Listening to John Lee Hooker as I post a pic for "you" (who are you?) Oh, God! Song playing is "Serves You Right to Suffer" and I remember where I ran across that one! My ex-husband bought it for me. It was my very 1st gift from him. I should've seen the red flag flying, but I was a glutton ... so he's kinda dying without a liver transplant pretty soon and here's this song ... oh, yeah, the reason it's on my computer, I bought this CD for him with "Serves you Right to Suffer" because he does, afterall, have a sense of humor. He said once to me last fall when I visited him, "Hey, when it's time for me to go, I'll haul out the oxygen tank and light up a cigarette and you'll see me, and you'll think, hey! is that a comet? no, its Bill in his lawn chair!" He'd be way out in the yard, though. Anyway, this photo is over my stove. Bought the framed pic for the frame but Jeff and Gary talked me into keeping it. It is of a jester/joker ... appropriate. Aeons of time gone I'm pretty sure we were a bunch of nut cases in this family. My cousin in Nevada gave me a pillow, "My Family Tree is Full of Nuts" and I love it. And it's true. And I'm proud of that. I talked to one of my very best friends first thing today for over 2 hrs and it was so fun. We laughed so hard and cried a little. Hadn't talked since Oct, probably. I could hardly breathe when we hung up. But it was worth it. I told her if I died from talking too much, I'd die happy. I'm happy it's Saturday night. My husband just brought me in some butterscotch pudding in the Blue Room! where we do the computer stuff, rock out on music of our choice, or mellow out, watch goofy TV (ever see Corner Gas? it's been on WGN-chicago? at 8 pm or 8:30) the massage table is in here, serves as a great couch or a nap ... rarely gets used for its intents and purposes. We're too pooped! Man! this pudding is delicious! We ate Thai tonight and I had salmon mango dinner, sweet onions, pineapple, invisible mango (out of season, I suppose, but what's in a name?) and very good salmon. Yum. Well, this is one of the most rambling steamy piles of crap I've typed in a long time, but oh, yes, I'm doing my best not to self-denigrate so much any more.

Love y'all!! xoxoxoxo

Your SisSTAR xo

T.G.I.F.F.

This photo is just over a year ago when my brother's wife, Cindy, daughter, Lateacha, sons, Tiamo and Anthony, and two grandsons, Matthew and Jeffery, came for a visit. My nephew, Dana, was staying with us here also and we all had a fun visit eating pizza and going to "Sally's" (Salv Army--the hot spot for Aunt Kyle!). My brother had been dead for about 6 mos then and it was so nice to be with his family. Missing were Cindy's oldest daughter, Jennifer, and my niece Kymberly (mom to Matt and Jeff). I was just browsing through my photos early this a.m. and thought I'd like to introduce you to these two little munchkins.

Tuffy Boy slept with me last night and he decided he was hungry at 6 a.m. so after having a peaceful night listening to my cat purring quite often (and he's here now on the desk watching Mama type--and purring ^;^) I thought it might be a good time to just jot a few thoughts, post a fun photo, and let all of you out there "reading me" to know there is much love flowing from me to you. Tuffy sends his, too.

Now I'm going back to bed for a few more hours before I get up for my 3-4 hrs in my "Cubbyhole Sweet Cubbyhole" at the psych doc's office--doing lots of important stuff, my small part of sending some positivity into the lives of those who need a kind voice and understanding. I totally feel up to it today, not just because it's Friday ;o) but because I am loved (my kitty just put his paw on my arm and blinked at me just then), I do my best to see the goodness in others, and my Mama taught me to care (and to remember birthdays, anniversaries of every sort, and to write letters to let others know someone out here is thinking about you). Thanks for thinking about me, too. Please keep my brother's family in your hearts and prayers. Highest and best blessings to you all.

And enjoy your weekend! Spring is less than a week away, according to the "calendar"! ^;^prrrr

Spring Forward, my ass...

Daylight savings time--what a huge pain in the butt! Esp in the "spring" (hello? do you see this photo? That's what it looks like here!) when we "lose" the hour we "gained" last fall. I resent having a whole hour taken away from our weekend. Weekends are hard to come by for some of us and every moment is precious. And why so early? What BS are they cramming down our throats now about how this will "save money" somewhere along the line? I did wake up to pee (yes, TMI--too much info) this a.m. and saw a gorgeous sunrise. I don't see too many of those. I'm a sunset kind of gal. The sky was beautiful, but of course, not enough to make me want to stay up. And spring is 11 days from now...somewhere I'm sure it is, anyway. As for us here in Michigan, this 80 lb Goose I lugged home from Upstate New York 20+ yrs ago, well, she's dressed a little bit like Elvis right now. She just looks too damned naked out there in the snow without something on, and I regret not having given her a hat this winter. Soon it will be her Butterfly outfit, or maybe her bikini. It's loads of fun for me, never having had a child of my own to dress up. Tuffy Boy got a new Lion's football jacket for a great photo-op with his Dad, but the darned cat will have nothing of it, except that he loves sleeping on the flannel inner lining in his rocking chair. Today we managed to cut his inch long (I exaggerate) claws. He's safer that way... to us. Well, gotta go watch the midnight showing of Corner Gas. Ever see it? It's a hoot from Canada!!! It's officially Monday now ... one hour earlier. Damn, that just isn't right! Gotta wait 2-3 seasons to get it back ... and we never do, really, do we?

Happy Monday! Have a good week. Love and kisses from your SisSTAR xoxoxo

Gnawed Gnome

Oops! Tuffy Boy is hungry for garden gnome! while Winky the gnome just stands and listens to the ocean from the conch shell! Bad kitty! bad! bad!