SisSTARS for PEACE ... Proud to be for Peace and Love...War is Not an Answer!
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them--that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." -Lao-Tse
"The fates lead him who will--him who won't, they drag." -Seneca

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

He ain't heavy...he's my brother

I've been up since 5 a.m., couldn't go back to sleep thinking about some of the problems of people I come in contact with on my jobs working for 2 psychiatrists ... some that I "think" I can help to solve then realize, hey! I'm only me. I can empathize but not always solve another's problems. So with one particular problem swirling around in my mind, I decided to just get up and find a diversion. At 5 a.m. the nearly Full Moon was peeking in my corner kitchen window. It was so quiet and peaceful and the light was bright but with a nice glowing haze surrounding it. In the shadows I saw two bunnies eating down by the feeder, one of them jumping up like a crazy thing then shooting off to the east. One stayed there for over an hour longer munching on something. Less predators then, I suppose. Yesterday a huge hawk was sitting in about the same spot. They all gotta eat, but ...
Seeking more diversion, Tuffy Boy came prrllltt!'ing to me wanting a treat. He got 3 Pounce goodies then started gagging. I know he's winding up for a whopping furball upchuck soon so I was trying to comfort him. He's in here now meowing softly, wanting more loving from his Mama. He will try and talk me into letting him outside, but it's about 5 degrees so he'll have to wait. But I wish the darkness wasn't over with yet because, gosh, I'm still so sleepy. I don't have to be to work until I choose today since the doc is not in. I want to curl up in a ball under my flannel sheets and quilt and soft velour-ish blankie and get a few more peaceful slumbers in.
You may wonder how this all relates to the photo of my brother, Dana, I've posted here. Well, I can say that there isn't one day that's gone by that I haven't thought of him, esp when it's early in the morning, or late at night, or midday, hard to say when the thoughts and memories crop up. I can say that the 1-1/2 yr mark passed by this month without me thinking about it, a good 8 days went by before I put that "anniv" in my thoughts. That was the 1st month since Aug 2006 that I didn't go, "well, my brother's been dead for *** months now" so it was a landmark moment, I guess, that it slipped by me. I guess that's as it should be. To keep letting go and letting go. I've read and strongly believe that "energy cannot die, it just changes form" and when I think of Dana or see photos or look around this childhood home I still live in and imagine him here or there, I catch a glimpse of the little silver trinket box sitting on the window sill, next to the little garden gnome with a suitcase in his hand, representing my brother to me (since he loved those gnomes) and the small amount of his ashes in the silver box. A friend from across the country sent me some awesome agates and fossils from the coastline of Oregon and I put them all on that same window ledge to let the sunshine activate their energies. It is because of my brother and her brother that we became acquainted, both having died a short time ago (regardless of what others might deem "a short time"). I could get all convoluted here, since I don't seem to be spitting out what I'm trying to get at here very well, but for now I will just say: He ain't heavy, he's my brother ... and I bear whatever load I've taken on for myself, the weight of grief that never quite goes away, the burden of regret, the motherlode of memories, some harsh, but so many more than I ever realized good and loving and positive. And when I'm able, I help to share the weight of others' grief so as to help dissipate it into the ethers ... give it a resting place of its own, a well deserved resting place. And with that thought, I am going back to bed. My dream catcher with the tiny hematite animal fetishes, quartz crystal and curly striped feathers await me...ready to catch something that might be just too heavy for me to bear. Or perhaps giggle at a truly frothy fun dream that lightens my load. Heavy sigh................ xoxo


jeff said...

I'm sorry for your grief. I know it's good and bad. I will miss him too, calling me " kid " or "jeffmo". He was my best friend for a long time until I met you.

Second Edition said...

I think of all the times I carried my baby brother, heavy in my arms, always fearful of popping that soft spot on his head. And now, so many years later, I carry him, heavier still with so much more life lived and me that much more tired. But how can I ever set him down. I can't imagine.