Silent Night Holy Night All is Calm All is Velvety Dark but the Light in my Soul is Bright

Some photos of me with my cousins and brother (he's only in bottom right with rag or hat?? on his head) All the "girls" are still living, but all the "boys" are gone now. Sometimes I find myself looking like "me" in the bottom left bawling my head off, but the holidays are a little melancholy for me. I can be laughing in the next moment.

It is nearly 1 a.m. and husband and cat are sound asleep in living rm, and I need to go to bed, too. I keep thinking of a lot of parents who are up trying to make a nice Christmas for their kids, the kids who are all excited and wanting to get up before dawn, all the love and peace that goes along with this season of abiding love, whether I feel the same way as I did from past Christmases, it doesn't matter now. Right now, it is Christmas, with well over 50 yrs worth of memories of those spent at those homes in the pictures (my Grandma's or Aunt and Uncle's) and esp right here where I type, in the dark, computer screen the only light. I hear my husband softly snoring in the liv rm, his leg's been lame all week and in pain, he gave me a beautiful card and necklace and bracelet tonight and I didn't have anything for him ;o( ... I realize how much I love him and my family and friends and though I don't communicate with too many any more, I always remember that I love them, and miss them. I am grateful for the present moment and I will "sleep in Heavenly Peace".

Love and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from

your SisSTAR xoxoxo

Solstice Blessings, Good Tidings of Comfort and Joy

Hi there! I can't believe that I haven't posted much in awhile. All work and no play makes SisSTAR dull and not shiny. So! I wanted to start my weekend with a post. The photos are of last year's Christmas Cactus. I wish I had photos of it this year because I just counted 30 blooms on the one in the white pot (it gets more sun) and lots more buds to go. This amazes me because it belonged to my father's mother who would be something like 140 yrs old now. She died when I was 9. These 2 plants used to be one but when I had it outside one summer, a wind blew it onto the ground and it broke in half. Other than that, I've never had the nerve to repot it because it seems to want to bloom just the way it is. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. My mother always tended to it well and tried to tell me what to do...move it into a cold, dark room for such and such, then move it back out in the sun ... but I can never remember, so I leave it to its own doing and the 1st bloom this yr was on Nov 26th, not only Thanksgiving but my mother's birthday ;oD. It warms my heart and soul. I guess you would say many of my plants are like Souls to me ... and I do my best to give them the care they need, without much fuss with fertilizing, etc. Just love, water, sunshine, and keeping them away from drafts. One African violet was totally dead except for one tiny leaf and I nearly threw it away, but instead, I gave it a little more dirt, put it in my kitchen window and keep turning it a tiny at a time ... and in a very short while it has over a dozen new beautiful leaves and today I just saw a tiny purple bud! Oh my heart lept for joy!
Before she died in 1994, my "second mother" gave me a cutting off her Angel Wing begonia and it was a struggle trying to keep it going, once down to just 2 leaves. But right now it stands in a pot on the floor and is taller than me (5'5") and putting out new leaves all the time. I've even made cuttings for her two daughters and hope their plants are doing well.
Enough about my plants, though...'tis the season and all. I took some beautiful ornaments into work and decorated the fake ficus tree and a small cabinet for the patients, hoping to lift their spirits. We'll probably hang our old handmade peace sign made out of the coat hanger wire in the picture window and that's about it for home. But we've been getting some cards from friends and those spruce things up a bit. Tuffy the cat even got a stocking from his Aunt Kristine and CJ. He played with a few things out of it last night...his "Mama" doesn't wait for Christmas too often. It's always been a "thing" with me and no one can make me any more ;oD
We get a little bit of time off, long weekends really, so we look very fwd to that. And perhaps those 40% off coupons that expire at Borders will do the trick for our gifts to each other today. We are also going to visit a friend to watch Dr Who on her cable TV tonight...we can't get BBC on ours and this past year we have become insane fans of Dr Who and will get to see the new ones with her.
I called my cousin last night whose beautiful pet wolf dog had to be put to sleep a short time ago, and found out just one hour before she had adopted a 7 yr old dog from the shelter where she volunteers. I was so happy for her. She realized she wasn't "replacing" Timber but she was giving help to an animal who needed it who in turn will be helping her with her grief...like our Tuffy Boy did for us when Mandy died over 3 yrs now! (He's dozing in his rocking chair after being out in the snow that he loves for a few hrs this a.m. I swear he is related to some Arctic Lynx or something!?) So congrats, Cousin, on Bear. Many blessings on your lives together.
I want to take this time to wish the very dear friends who occasionally "read me" out there very happy holidays. Whether you call it Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah(sp?), Seasons Greetings, to me it all means: somehow there just should be a stronger feeling and Knowing of LOVE and PEACE in our hearts and that is something beautiful to strive for. Monday the Sun moves into Capricorn...my sign...a winter baby. Winter Solstice, the darkest day of the year...and then the light increases! Don't be afraid of the dark ... "the stars are there by night or day, and hearts are set aright!" Oh, and Happy New Year if I don't get back here by then. All I've coined for this one so far is Twenty-Ten...Better Then! There's always room for improvement...let the past go by the wayside, have some fun, be at peace, live in joy, love one another, and esp love yourself. May you be blessed richly and given good tidings of comfort and joy.
With love from,
Your SisSTAR XOXOXO*****XOXOXO*****XOXOXO*****XOXOXO

Cheers to Friday the 13th

Enjoy your weekends, bloggies.

***

I ran across these two days' worth of OSHO writings which apparently I'd earmarked a year ago. I decided I did like them so I am going to share them here, if only for my own perusal as I look back over my "life/blog" as time goes by.

From "Everyday OSHO" day 309:

ATOMIC MOMENT

Each moment is atomic.

There is no need for two moments to have any sequence.

***

It is the one-dimensional mind that continuously asks for some meaning, some meaning that runs through all moments, that wants everything to be connected by a cause-and-effect chain, that wants everything to move somewhere, to reach somewhere, to conclude somewhere. That is the logical mind, the one-dimensional mind.

Life is multidimensional. It has no goal really, no destiny. And it has no meaning, in fact--meaning in the sense that all the moments are following each other in a queue, reaching somewhere. No, life is not moving anywhere. It is simply dancing here. The right word is dance, not movement.

Each moment is a dance, and one should enjoy each moment as it comes, as it happens. Then your burden will disappear completely. That's what freedom is--to be in the moment, to be of the moment, never worried about the past, never worried about that which has not come yet, and never trying to make a logical sequence out of anything.

--------------------

AND, voila! #310:

TWILIGHT

Many people have entered into existence through twilight.

***

In India, the word sandhya--twilight--has become synonymous with prayer. If you approach and orthodox Hindu who is praying, he will say, "I was doing sandhya--I was doing my twilight." When the sun rises, just before sunrise, there is a great change. The whole passive existence becomes active. Sleep is broken; dreams disappear. The trees and birds and life everywhere arise again. It is a resurrection. It is a miracle every day. If you allow yourself to float with it in that moment, you can rise to a very high peak.

And the same change happens when the sun sets. Everything quiets, calms. A tranquility, a deep silence, pervades existence. In that moment, you can reach to the very depths. In the morning you can reach to the very great heights; in the evening you can reach to the very deep depths, and both are beautiful. Either go high or very deep. In both ways you transcend yourself.

----------------------

I'm not sure if today, Friday the 13th, is the 319th day of the year, but I'm choosing this one last OSHO Everyday because it just resonates with me. Here it is, #319:

Society has been suppressing three things: sex, death, and the absurd. And the absurd is the most suppressed.

****

There are Freuds against the suppression of sex, and they have created a little atmosphere so that people can be freed of that. More than sex, death is the taboo. Death still needs a Freud to fight against its suppression so that people can allow their feelings about death, so that they can think about and meditate on it, and the fact that death exists so it is no longer a taboo. But even deeper than the taboo against death is that against the absurd. My whole fight is against this taboo.

I would like you to be absurd, because that's how existence is. It is meaninglessly meaningful, illogically logical. All the contradictions, all the paradoxes, are in an inner coherence. Are you yourself not absurd? How can you prove that you are needed here in any way? Does existence need you? Existence would do fine without you, perfectly fine. You were not, existence was; you will not be, and existence will, so what is the point of your being here?

If you allow laughter and you feel that it is absurd, just hidden behind it is the real absurdity--not the laughter, but the one who is laughing. Allow it, and soon you will see that it releases you to the infinite sky. Even the confinement of logic is dropped. Then you simply live; you don't ask for meaning. Then each moment is intrinsically meaningful--or meaningless, they are the same.

Bravo, OSHO.......and you oughtta know because you're dead!

-----------------------

if anyone made it this far, thanks be to the god/desses..........once again, Happy Friday the 13th!TGIFF!!!

Love from your SisSTARxoxoxo

Cat "Humor"

Have to share this I got in an email today. I've watched it 5 times and the words
that go with the video are so hilarious to me (but I must have a sick sense of humor).
I love the real "emphasis" on some of the words. Hope you enjoy! (whoever you are,
my teeny tiny teensie weensie fan base ;oD) ............Love from your SisSTAR xo


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kx1-USbXVRk

Sunday Speed Bump

TGIFNight!

Again, photo credit unknown, from a fwd yrs ago. Thanks to whoever took it!

So after my earlier rant of the day, I had a pretty good afternoon at work and got a lot accomplished. The doc was in good humor and we laughed some, which always helps. Him and a patient heard what was the shredder operating and thought I was singing or something - ha!

I decided that since it was pouring buckets of rain all day and all night that I would look for any and all fall colors I could see through the drizzly darkness on my drive home and there were beautiful oranges, reds and yellows trying hard to be noticed ... to uplift my spirits if I'd only look. I will walk on our little 2 acres tomorrow rain or not in my big green wellies and notice any beauty I can find. I also did a little prayer/rain dance sending rain out there to Dancin' Fool in the UK as she had written that it hadn't rained there in over 6 wks and trees she has planted needed rain badly. So, DF, I hope it helps you out!!!

Well, Ghost Whisperer is on so I gotta get off of here. Jeff left me a chicken sandwich from Burger King (the "free" of the buy one get one ;oD) and that was my dinner, plus a few crackers and peanut butter and a caffeine free Coke. Life is good...3 hrs of TV watching now and then Jeff should be home shortly thereafter. And tomorrow is another day..........I do so want to see the sun shining, but it is shining brighter in my heart and mind now and I won't waste my good moments worrying about bills or groceries or weather.........it's what it is!

Love from your SisSTAR xo

Rainy, Gloomy but TGIF

Photo credit unknown...thanks whoever you are!

Today is a rough day for Tuffy Boy because it's been pouring rain all night long and the bed we had outside all sheltered for him somehow got soaked anyway...so he spent his morning scrunched underneath my T-bird in the mud ... then came in, went in the garage and hung out awhile...came back in...went out under the car, came in, got brushed, attacked my hand, ate more, just went out after howling his displeasure. Such is life.

Today is also Friday which we are so grateful for, even if it is gloomy as hell and no end in sight, as it seems. There was supposed to be a "new neighbor" bbq at work from the new Century21 office OUTDOORS today ... but I'm not gonna miss beans and weenies much. The Cheerios and toast will suffice until I get home this evening from work.

A great thing we just learned is that one of our credit cards' interest rates is going up sky high beginning January since they CAN get away with it...and that includes the high balance already on it. We will probably have to get a consolidation loan to pay the frickin' things off. With our health insurance payments practically $600 a month (yes, with $5,000 deductibles each) we are about ready to cancel those and let the chips fall as they may. That'd go a long way to paying off credit card balances that won't go away. I usually remain quite positive, or I can force myself to swing back that way when I get down over the lack of any increase in our wages and the increase now repeatedly in water rates, interest rates, cars hanging in there, both 15 yrs old and counting (thank you, cars!) and property taxes, etc. etc., but when there's really no cash left to barely eat after the bills are paid, it gets to you after awhile. Eating at Wendy's is cheaper than groceries most the time on the $1 menu ... and we just got a notice that Tuffy is due for his shots, which he desperately needs since he wants to live outside most the time and there have been 3-4 other strays hanging around lately. Thankfully he is neutered, but I doubt they are, nor are they probably lucky enough to have shots and flea treatments, etc. Well..........I'm depressing myself, so I'm sorry for whoever reads this, don't want to bring you down. BUT!!! I am ALWAYS hearing other people go on and on and on about their sorry assed luck and I bite my tongue thinking, no, Kyle, don't go there, don't say how you haven't been to a doctor, dentist, gotten new glasses in, what, 5 yrs or more? I AM truly grateful that we have 3 jobs between the two of us........thank god for that. We have heat (60 degrees to keep the bills down all winter) and we had air cond this summer so I could breathe (with exorbitant bills) ... and we occasionally go to a movie maybe once a season.......but the movies at the library are free, even if they do break down so much and so much for the "CD/DVD" technology is so perfect bullshit.

I do work for two psychiatrists so I listen to others' problems all the time and type each patient's progress notes for the most part....thankfully one dr writes his out, but I copy verbatim all his phone messages for those rambling on and on about the horrors they are going through......so let's just say it has rubbed off on me, beginning with the fucking interest rate of a credit card going up on a balance that has been impossible to get paid off in the first place. I just feel bad today and I need to rise above it...........and typing this as fast as a laser beam feels just good to me. Maybe I should go on "Word" and just type a bazillion word rant and feel so much better and breathe a sigh of relief. Oh, yeah, and I got a new Rx for my "rescue" inhaler (and I need rescuing more and more lately) but it's gonna cost me $60 and it's running out quick. Damn! Maybe I'll have to go to Sally's this wkend and find some piece of crap item for a couple dollars that makes me think that I went shopping for something wonderful! That's the ticket!

Hope you are having a better day..........and don't let me bring you down, it's only castles burning.

"Backs broke bending digging holes to plant the seeds, the owners ate the cane while the workers eat the weeds, put money in the stove and water in the cup, you work so hard that you died standing up."

KLH-Keep Laughin', Honey! (it only hurts when I DON'T laugh...)

Old poem for my dad

Photo: Lake Michigan at dusk

(freighter in background)

***

Having just experienced a death of someone close, I was nosing into my old photos and mementos again. I always seem to do that when someone dies. I found many great photos and letters from my mom and and things I've written in the past. Well, I just ran across this poem that I wrote 3 yrs after my father died depicting actual events that kept happening to me, which I deemed as "messages" from him. We always used "XO" for "hugs and kisses" in letters and such. Another thing was when I was a little girl I thought when you died you went into the sky (heaven) and became a cloud, and I would look for my grandma and various pets who had died (and find them, too ;oD) and I'd lay out on the grass and watch the clouds float by. Even as an adult I've done this, at one time seeing an enormous man swimming across the sky, feeling it was my dad, as I was on a 2 hr drive. It was above me for half the trip. My dad used to swim a mile out into Lake Michigan every year and it reminded me of that.

Well, true fact, my father died on Good Friday so his funeral was the day before Easter and I'd promised my husband before it happened that we'd go visit his sister and her family for the holiday and I kept my promise, so other family members could have room to stay with my mom. During our drive I kept seeing so many "messages," esp those posted on church marquees: "He is not dead, he is risen," etc. and repeatedly for weeks there were airplane vapor trails of parallel lines that I kept seeing (of course, since then, learning they were probably waste matter being ejected into the upper atmosphere, which really bummed me out!) but at the time it happened so often that it felt like my father was trying to tell me that we were just parallel worlds apart, very close yet not able to intersect. He also died during a full moon (kinda like yesterday was the Full Harvest Moon). Another message I got after both my parents had died the same day 7 yrs apart was sitting in my mom's living room staring out the picture window (our room/window now) I was looking directly south at night at the stars and, whooooshhh! there was a falling star blazing diagonally across the sky and just a few seconds later, whooooshhhh! another one went in the opposite diagonal, making a gigantic "X" there in front of me...my message being, a big Kiss from my mom and dad. Now I realize you could say I was having "ideas of reference" (as the psychiatrists would call someone telling them these stories for a psych eval ;oD) or that I have a really good imagination, but, nevertheless, there were two falling stars/comets which made a giant X due south at the moment I watched.

All that having been said, the purpose of this post is to copy down this poem I just found. I usually don't like explaining my poetry, but what the heck! I am the only family member of the four of us left, so I may as well "tell the tale", and here it goes:

VAPOR TRAILS

Pink clouds, blue sky,

purple heather on the hillside,

I look up and try to see

your face.

Jet vapors leave two big X's

kisses in the sky

Reminds me of those parallels

I kept seeing--

vapor trails of parallels--

for a few days when

you died.

Dear father, we all miss you,

know you're here now and then

watching over our mother,

and me,

and your son.

We're all doing fine now,

your soul must rest easy

to see,

but someone's still missing

amongst us,

time cannot change

nor peace erase it

that's how it always will be.

So I'll keep watching for messages

as I wander my life along,

like how the moon was full when

you'd gone...

...or did you stay,

leave half yourself with us?

Our realms are just parallel

after all is said

and done.

--klh

In Memoriam

3/23/89

***

On a little side note...my father died around 3 a.m. and at the same time the next "night" my husband and myself were both still awake and mom was trying to go to sleep in my old room when all 3 of us heard 3 very distinct and loud knocks on the side door...

KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK

Mom came out of the bedroom, me and Jeff had been in the back room and all 3 of us came out and stared at the door and looked at each other.

Jeff went to the door and opened it and no one was there.

I said to mother, "Was that father?" and she said to me,
"Well, just remember, your father isn't quite himself right now."

I KNOW it was my father's spirit and it was an incredible and wonderful experience.

***

May you all have wondrous messages

from the Universal Soul

and live in

Peace and Joy.

With love from your

SisSTAR

xoxo

xo

X

Ten Four Good Buddy

Photo from OSHO
Transformation
Tarot:
"Silence"
HAPPY FULL MOON
The past week we said goodbye to an old friend of the family, my ex-husband, Billy Jarvis. I say "we" because I was honored to be included in talking and visiting with him and his family the past several years as he was terminally ill with end stage cirrhosis. He died early in the morning on Sept. 28th, on the 30th his family was able to see him one last time in bodily form to say goodbye before he was cremated. I again felt very
privileged that his wife, Ruth, told me she would not mind if I was there. She also said she hoped I would come to the memorial service last Friday, on Oct 2nd. After work I went there and stayed from 4:30-7:30 pm and saw so many people I hadn't seen in such a long time. Those people had been my in-laws and I love them all dearly. They had been people my brother loved also, and some had not heard that he had died until this week. I got to watch a streaming DVD of family photos, seeing Billy's life "after me" which appeared to be so full with his wife and her young son, Jeff, and then having 3 sons together, twins Jake and Randy, and less than a yr later, Jordan. Randy was able to come home from Afghanistan in time to be with his father when he died, which was a great blessing. I was shown so many photos of people's children and met grandchildren, Billy and Ruth's granddaughter, Aurora, stared into my eyes forever, and hers were huge and blue, and she looked like she knew a secret. I also got to laugh and talk with Billy's first wife, Mary, whose brother had also died shortly before mine. Billy and I were both born in 1951 and have been married 3 times. Third time's the charm, so they say. I feel very fortunate that I had the opportunity to heal some old wounds, laugh, cry, share some in-depth conversations, and most importantly, be real and honest. He wasn't afraid and said he was at peace, but he cried a lot over having to leave his family and esp his little granddaughter who he fell in love with with all his heart and who would dance and sing for him as he shared his love of music with her. I believe she is just 1 yr old.
It is unfortunate that often funerals and loved ones' deaths are some of the only times that people gather together and show love and respect for one another. Life is so precious and it does go on.........and death is just part of it all. His memorial card he chose himself and the message inside was his: A Free Spirit Makes a Happy Soul. Be a happy soul, Billy, and I will keep in touch with your family. That song you chose keeps going through my head...Ozzy Osbourne's "See you on the other side," and his "Mama, I'm Coming Home." I'm not sure how it all works, but if it is true that you have a "reunion" with your loved ones...and mine...please give them all my love and give Dana a punch on the arm for me, OK? and thank you for being part of my life, which truly enhanced my Soul.
William Dean Jarvis
2-12-51 to 9-28-09