Talkin' to a good friend

It was so nice getting a message from my good friend Jane. She was concerned about my heart doing its flip-flops. So I called her back and laid all the stuff on her that I was having a hard time dealing with, I guess, and she took it all in stride and helped me so much just by listening. I have been bombarded this week with quite a few difficult situations, mostly other's, not my own. But I tend to internalize all that and need to work on stopping that--for my heart's sake. She herself was my friend who broke or sprained or bruised badly her shoulder blade, collar bone, ribs, etc. skiing last winter and the Easter card I got from her was the wildest one I ever had. It was a big basket of colored easter eggs and there was one peek-hole and underneath was her bare naked breasts and chest with a gigantic bruise of lovely yellow and purple, which colored the easter egg on the cover of the card. It was quite unusual and I loved it, except that bruise looked soooo bad, you poor woman!! But she's talking about riding bikes and kayaking soon--so trudge onward, SisSTAR Jane! I always admired your stamina and wilderness-y persona. By all means, bring your tent and camp out on our little 2 acres. There were 4 deer a few days ago, a big fat groundhog, a possum and I don't know how you feel about the skunk but maybe there can just be mutual respect there ;o) And, of course, there's Tuffy. And we can all get in your tent with flashlights and tell scary stories with them underneath our chins -- ooooohhhhhhh! Scary! You know I always wanted a teepee down there and a sweat lodge and, well, maybe we could just nonchallantly throw in a big labyrinth while we're at it. If only I had any energy! Ah, woe is moi! Energy follows intention, so I intend to get my heart ticking good and get out there and clean up my flower beds, the pond, etc. I got all my work done for the 2 docs this wk, even went in tonight after I shopped for supplies at Office Max and drove to the ofc in what looked like something Dorothy and Toto would've flown up in the air in--huge hailstones, really dark tornado-y looking clouds and that eerie greenish sky like you said just passed by you when we were on the phone. So, anyway, I hope you can read this because, for all you do, this Bud's for you ~)!(~ Hope you enjoyed the play. Thanks again for calling and your concern and kindness. It really meant a lot.
Love,
SisSTAR Kylita xoxoxo
p.s. Your crescent moon follows after next one and the poem I wrote when we lived up north me, you and DanB!

Love to Kristine and Georgie

This is to show the beautiful card that my friend Kristine let me have from the '70s she'd held onto. I think it is so lovely. And the little owls I have since returned to my cousin, Georgie, because she needed them worse than I did. Both Kristine and Georgie are going through some sad things right now with "family" and perhaps "self" also and I just want to send support and love and always open arms. Highest and best blessings, SisSTARS. Love, Kylo xo

New Moon in April

(photo Jane S. 2008)

New Moon in April

Someone's on the telephone

Knockin' on my door

People tryin' to find me

there's no hidin' any more.

Because I'm so understanding

but not too understood

I wish I was more wicked

...but I'm so goddamn good.

Tonight the lunar blackness

Manifests in me these thoughts

There's a black hole in the sky tonight

And many nerves are shot.

A new moon has swept the sky

The light's been painted out,

To bring the light back I must try

While others fret and shout

There's a black hole in the sky tonight

and everyone's falling through

...

....

...

gee!

I'm so grateful that the Moon

has no such! hold on me

...or you!

--klh April 1983

(a blast from the past--true story,

and in honor of the New Moon this

weekend--from your SisSTAR xo)

Day is Done...

(photo by Jeffrey 10/07)

Would I Not Call?

Would I not call a friend up to converse, laugh or cry?

venture from this day-to-day scene, at least try?

If this solitude is sweeter than a friend

or change of scenery,

it bodes fear that one day it might swallow the attempt

to externalize my reveries and try to live again

outside this introspection, my heartfelt understanding

that I delve into my Self and yet

I risk not the demanding

of explaining how or where I've been, what I think, feel or see

to others whom I scarcely trust

my bittersweet memories.

Would I not write a letter, or send a friendly greeting

to let some loved one know I care our hearts are beating?

Will ever come a time I jump up and run outside--

fly through the air or swim beneath

the ocean of my crime

of idle restless meandering

through the grayness of the times

I spend between the daydreams and

the realness of the grind?

Can I dream of other ways to be yet still remain

this humble, angry soul who feels such shame

from never being like my vision on the Path--

a Path that ends at my doorway with no key to fit the latch,

and another cannot enter (how I often wish

one would come inside, sit with me,

laugh, chat, cry--or catch me staring

vacant dreaming of another time).

So at present I am with myself--alone.

Will ever I resolve the inner questing of my mind,

or questions asked by it any answers ever find?

(Or do I know the answers and the questions slipped my mind?)

In grief I've found some solace, simple pleasures to just BE

until it is the time to be no more.

Memories hold me willingly as I try to solve the riddle,

reenacting why I place myself

as peacemaker in the middle

seeing through the lies while ambivalence

sees opposing sides.

I seek a solitary life to integrate my mind

and hope that I accomplish such before a split occurs

shattering this tenuous sanity that is my own.

Fragmented is not comfortable so I bluff wholeness serenely

and truly fear I am a sham

and filled with too much vanity.

Behold this Sister here before the humble mirror reflecting

out away from what's within

in pretense of perfecting.

I know there's goodness ever to be found in seeking Truth

I cannot end my search for what is me

(though I truly thought I would be found by now!)

Just maybe I am younger than my years or how I feel--

A birthing needs to happen to a newer,

peaceful me...

a sturdy soul that stands alone

yet lives in Harmony.

--klh 6/2/95

for Jeffrey

(photo by Jeffrey 10/07)

YOUR VOICE

Yours is the voice

I'd rather hear

Than any other

Anywhere

With its depth and soul

I lose control

In a reverie of

Dreams

Then I realize any

Daily grind

Is not so dismal

As it seems.

Oh, how I love

Your voice.

--klh--

xo

Sunny Spring Saturday ;o)

Happy Hosta Hearts from a friend (Pamela, you know it's you!) They won't be appearing for awhile but the Chinese Forget-Me-Nots beside them are poking through now that your brother gave me many years ago. You are all in my Heart!

Wanted to open the page of Guide for the Advanced Soul again and send you all a message:

"Be like a very small joyous child living gloriously in the ever present Now without a single worry or concern about even the next moment of time."

--Eileen Caddy/The Dawn of Change

Sounds good to me...how about you? ...from your loving SisSTAR Kylita xo

Happy Birthday, Aunt Geneva xo

Just wanted to send some loving greetings to our Aunt Geneva in Tennessee today. This is the best I can do for a "family photo" which was taken at Jeff's 49th birthday a few yrs back.

Front row: Kristy, Becky, Janet & Jeff

Back Row: Jan (our friend), Chris (Kristy's husband), Gary (our friend) and Johnny

Notice the SLOAN University shirt Jeff is wearing? Cool, eh?

Hope you are doing well and remembering past birthdays with fondness and love. I know you miss your daughter and somehow I feel that her Spirit must be with you on this day and always because you both loved each other so much. Thank you for such a fine example of a good mother, sister and aunt. Since I was taking the photo, you'll just have to check your cupboard for Quaker Oatmeal and that guy on the front looks just like me! hee hee!

Love, Kyle and all of us

xoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. I hear you like NASCAR!?

Your shoe's untied!

I wanted to be the first to play an April Fool's trick on you! So I'm early, so sue me! We used to open a bottle of beer and pour it into a glass and hide it in the refrigerator and then fill it full of water and put the cap back on for when Dad got home from work. Thing is, he always knew we were going to do it but he was such a good sport. It was just when we changed the salt and sugar around and he put salt on his Rice Chex that he wasn't too happy. I used to call in and say I was quitting my job and then show up before my boss had stopped pissing and moaning about it. I called in "mentally ill" and went out and got blasted...oops! I digress! That was just tooooo long ago to write about (well, the beer episode was longer ago, but as I say, forget that one!) My favorite is "your shoe's untied" and almost always everyone looks down, even those who are barefoot or wearing slip-on shoes. Ha! Tee hee hee. But I don't like jokes played on me. Funny how that is, eh? Maybe it was all the humiliation I suffered as a child from having a boy's name or being the 2nd tallest kid in kindergarten (felt like a monster at that age) and my brother was this teeny little thing. If he was around, I'd call him right now and tell him, "Hey, your shoe's untied, you son of a bitch! Why'd you have to go and fall asleep at the wheel and run that stop sign and smash yourself into oblivion?" Damn it! I'll have to let go of that one of these days soon. People are starting to talk. Well, they're not because I won't let them. I don't answer the phone a lot and I don't return messages. I do send cards and letters, though. Maybe that's the coward's way. I get to say whatever I want and no one can ask me anything I don't feel up to answering. I like it when people just say, "So how are you doing?" and I know they mean: "Are you getting it together yet, SisSTAR?" Well.....as the Jester, The Fool, the Crank, the Trickster, Kokopelli, the Coyote, the Stooge ... I wish you all out in our viewing audience an APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!! Don't fool yourself, you ARE too special! You are damn awesome and wonderful and I love you!

SisSTAR xoxoxoxo

P.S. I can hardly wait for the frogs to start chirping from the pond!! I hope my baby bullfrogs have been having a peaceful slumber thru this long-assed winter!

Cemetery Blues

Bought lovely bouquet of flowers and choc chip muffins, headed for the cemetery to dance in remembrance of Dad and Mom's anniversaries. Felt kinda dreary as the weather was too chilly for my hopes of sitting on the ground and having that muffin-eating picnic. I even took one of my precious agates from Oregon mailed to me by Holly Jo--to slip in the vase of flowers to commemorate the birthplace of my father. We looked in the trunk for something to sit on but nothing was there. I said, oh, it's OK. We'll just stand and dance and eat our muffins. Took a big jug of water for the flowers. We got closer and closer and saw many fresh graves, one of which was right smack above my parents' headstone. The huge piled up mud was covering 85 percent of their marker about 4" thick. I had hoped for a happy moment but then Jeff cut himself trying to clear all the mud off their names and when I saw blood mixed with the mud I just started to cry and said I just wanted to leave. We shoved the flowers in the vase which didn't look too attractive in all that muddy mess and I was certain when the workers came to finish their job for the people whose feet lie just above my parents' heads, that the flowers would be ruined and cast aside anyway. We left with me bawling my eyes out and I asked Jeff to drive up to the office where I hurriedly went inside and told "Big Steve" (yes, it was on his business card) that it was my parents' 65th anniv and that they had both been buried on their anniversary and that of all the days to see their gravesites like that, it wasn't great timing on their part. I told him I understood that they had lots of fresh graves out there, it was plain to see, but that at any time someone's loved one could appear and that it would be respectful if they'd be more inclined to not dump someone else's grave dirt on top of what one comes to "look at". He complained about how the door was supposed to have been locked, that he'd had 4 phone calls after closing time and he'd probably be there another hour and was trying to get home. He filled out a work order and gave me his apologies and his card (please, Big Steve, don't call me or send me any propaganda on buying my own fucking grave shit--I ain't going that route!) and we went home and ate our muffins. Later on we went to the Salv Army and I found some really fun things and due to spinning the big "wheel" at arriving at "43", I got 43% off all those things that weren't 1/2 off anyway. Folks were married in 1943--that was the first thing I thought: "I knew you'd want me to be happy, Mom and Dad, and I know you would've felt bad for my good intentions to have been thwarted." And on the way home, it was so sweet watching Jeff briskly walking in the dark to retrieve the bouquet of flowers so that I could take them home, arrange them in my parents' Silver Anniv vase they had from in 1968 and know they'd want us to have them here. "No entry after dusk" my ass, Big Steve! I know to be Herenow is what's real and I won't dwell on my sad little picnic, but turn it into a celebration of my life here with Jeffrey, in the home begun by Jo and Dana 60 yrs ago ... and we shall carry it on and be joyful. When my time comes, I shall be pulverized and burnt and perhaps blown away like wisps in the wind ... I've had enough mud for one lifetime. Dust in the wind, Baby! Happy Trails, my beautiful family xoxoxo ... and to my wonderful husband: "You made this day beautiful for me and I thank you. I am blessed." XO