Mom and Dad'isms

These tidbits were written down after my folks died and I found myself spontaneously saying these things out of my own mouth. When my husband or others heard some of them and I realized no one ELSE heard such things, I decided to write them in a little book for posterity, so I won't forget what characters my parents were, realizing they probably got these little sayings from their parents, grandparents, friends, historical items, etc. So here are some of my little "Book of Mom & Dad'isms" ...

INTRODUCTION
Hello! My name is Kyle Lynn Haswell (and, no, they didn't want a boy!) and my parents are both in that Parallel Universe I call Heaven. This book of their sayings, jokes, songs, and my commentary scattered sparsely throughout is a form of grief therapy. Remembering with many emotions, this short, very short list of the words I thought EVERYONE heard and spoke..but have found this not to be true. (I believe it is genetic, as I've become afflicted with inane strings of words only the genes of my ancestors could've assembled.) Most were as heavy sighs, before a yawn. Ennui got fun...
It is notable that they were married 3-29-43 and Pa was buried 3-29-86 and Mom 3-29-93, on what would've been their 50th anniv.
OK, It's "Twilight Time" (beautiful song):

• Never get well if you pick it. (a scab)
• Never notice it on a trottin' horse.
• You don't want much for a quarter.
• Were you raised in a barn?
• Shit the bed and kick it out with your feet!
• Yehudi did it. (anything strange, noise, etc. that no one new where it came from)
• Balls! cried the king and he laughed 'cause he had to (two).
• Guess you need to be born on the other side of the road to get there. (heavy traffic)
• Put something on your feet!
• Cracker ass.
• Fizzy farts and rattlers.
• Don't drop it in the mud.
• Close the barn door, your horse is going to get out.
• Noasitol--best form of birth control.
• Poopin' in high cotton. (got it made)
• Don't get mad, only dogs get mad.
• Pretty fart smeller.
• You're so bright we shoulda called you Sunny.
• Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of themselves.
• Winklehawk. (a pimple)
• Like putting silk stockings on a hog. (mostly referring to dressing me up)
• Ask your father.
• Ask your mother.
• Wait 'til your father gets home.
• You're my favorite daughter. (only one)
• She was my 46th birthday present. (me)
• It's the meanness coming out of you. (a blemish/pimple)
• Up your bucket!
• Hanging in there by the skin of my teeth.
• A little bit of powder and paint makes little Kyle something she ain't.
• Talk's cheap but it takes money to buy beer.
• I'm gonna sack in/hit the hay/turn in...
• Daylight in the swamp and the devil's beating on the tan bark.
• You don't mind if I have a little nip, do you? (dad's 'holy water' Christian Brothers brandy mostly)
• 'Tomorrow kick away the stool and dangle from the beam.' (from a poem dad would recite, usually when inebriated--perhaps from Robert Service or Oliver W Holmes?)
• Wash those meathooks. (hands)
• You sound like a coupla Jew peddlers. (dad referring to me and ma bugging him)
• Yak! yak! yak!
• You and your mother are like a couple of plump quail. ;o(
• It's hell to get old, but I'm too old to die young now.
• No bigger than a fart in a mitten.
• Let's get chakkin'. (eating)
• This meat is cooked to rags.
• Shit or get off the pot. (make up your mind)
• Cat fur to make kitten britches. (in ans to: "mama, whatcha got?")
• Ass over diddleberry. (ie falling down a hill)
• Here's your hat, what's your hurry? (ie can't wait til you leave)
• You had a marcelle wave and sounded like a baby crow when you were born. (dad's description of me as gooey wheezy newborn)
• That was before you were the twinkle in your father's eye.
• What ho!
• "Is Mass out?" said the little girl to the priest after falling while trying to get there. "No, little girl, but your skirt is badly torn."
• Nickname for me: Tookey
• Nickname for brother: Buckshot
• ...some spoonerisms: A speen o' boons (spoon of beans); Slopped your dripper (dropped your slipper/from Rindercella as quoted on TV show HeeHaw); The Sonata Rag (Kleenex), Fart smeller (smart feller); Shake a tit (take a shit).
• The shades of night are falling.
• Oh! Horsepucky! (mom heard me say this in junior high and never let me forget it)
• These four walls...
• Someday you won't have me to worry about.
• Hang in...
• Booootiful.
• "...so never run down limburger, just stop and consider, please, you never know when your life may be saved by a poor little piece of cheese." (wish I'd have written the entire poem down but it was one of those roll-my-eyes, oh god, no, he's reciting THAT one again type of thing--if anyone knows it, please let me know!?)
• Two in the hill.
• The sun was hot to Johnny's ass and the sand was hot tamales. (to Molly's)
• Grassy ass (gracias)
• Cookie duster (mustache)
• I could stretch to Boston if I didn't have to walk back.
• I'll beat the bejesus out of ya.
• You look like a Billygaloobird. (?)
• Judas Priest!!
• I'm the Campbell Kid (5' tall 180 lb little apple-cheeked mama--got called it as a kid)
• Titty pink. (Pa's embarrassing reference to color)
• That's certainly nice!! (being facetious)
• Quitcher bawling. Your bladder is too close to your tearducts!
• Where'd you get THAT outfit!? (usually one I was SO proud of)
• You don't even look like yourself any more (drunk mom crying because I'd let my hair grow long and had a perm)
• Take a P-T-A bath (you figure it out)
• Ready to blow my cork!
• Don't pry into me!
• Don't know shit from straight up.
• Which ancestor is coming or going? (dust balls under the bed)
• Goodnight, Irene.
• Blacker than Toby's ass.
• Worthless as tits on a boar pig.
• Coddy Codfish (mom's embarrassing nickname for me)
• That's the only brother (sister) you'll ever have!
• Nobody yikes me. (making fun of our mournful quote when we'd get yelled at)
• The clean plate club (a lie: finish your plate and we'll go on a picnic)
• You can catch a bird if you put salt on its tail (a lie!!! that was my 1st recognizable lie mom told me as she watched the scene from her kitchen window of me sneaking up and when the little yellow canary flew away, I saw her crack up laughing! I was crushed! I think I got over it ;o)
• Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses--covered all over from head to tip ... covered all over with ssshhweeeet violets.
• In ONE long INHALE I learned to recite: "Happy-go-lucky Bobby Racoon sat on the edge of the laughing brook--Mr. Round-Red-Purple Sun popped up behind the purple hills. Bobby Raccoon's been out all night, you see, and he's apt to get into mischief." I truly DID this, of course, to make Pa proud (even with asthma). ;o)
• The Farmer's Almanac said it was gonna: snow/rain/be nice/freeze, etc. (I just bought myself one...it's fun to read again.)
• You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers! ... "No! I yust play with Ole's packer." (joke about Helga off the boat to meet Ole Svenson)
• Hunde scheisse (spelling?) (dog shit in German)
• Hit the nail on the head.
• That's the way the pickle squirts.
• Don't that take the rag right off the bush!
• It's a one-egg cake all right!
• What'd you buy brown for? (this could be for any reason having nothing to do with buying anything or anything brown?)
• If I'd've said scoop shovel, you'd've said pitchfork!
• Play "Far, Far Away" (dad's request re: my piano playing--;o(
• You have those bedroom eyes. (shame game)
• Your eyes look like two burnt holes in a blanket.
• You know, we've just got to say no to you. We can't keep helping you every time. (Pa finally telling me how it was)
• We gotta go find Old Baldy. (a sand dunes seemed like 10 miles out into the dunes, as I flogged along with no one but my cousin Wink noticing I'd sat down waaayyy behind them--and "Old Baldy" grew hair, let me tell ya! 'cause we never found it!)
• Must've slept too close to a crack. (caught a cold)
• Your mother's getting her head baked. (beauty parlor)
• Gotta go to the sawbones. (dad's reference to doctor)
• Day late and a dollar short.
• You fried the wrong damn egg!
• Really eating high on the hog!
• Six of one half dozen of the other.
• Three dog night (such as how cold Eskimos are to sleep with how many sled dogs)
• Back to the old grind (and Pa was actually a grinder--in a factory, not the music type)
• Sweet essence of squat drops. (?)
• Sounds like the tune the old cow died to.
• T'ain't me, McGee.
• Shave and a haircut--two bits.
• You can be replaced, you know. (we were told this often ;o(
• You'll be crying before the day's over. (if I was laughing too much)
• Well! By the Great Horned Toad!
• There's a kiss for ya (a fart! ;o(
• Have a little soup with your crackers (or ice cream with your syrup, or salad with your dressing--referring to overuse of crackers, etc.)
• Howdy, Penelope!
• Howdy, Muldoon!
• Ass deep to a tall Indian.
• Back to the Salt Mines.
• Get some shut-eye.
• Your ass sucks buttermilk.
• You dance you gotta pay the fiddler (kinda like, you play you pay, you made your bed now lie in it)
• Got your snorkel, Tookey? (my asthma inhaler)
• If you don't snap out of it, you're going to the hospital! (when I was having trouble breathing!)
• Is that your hatchin' jacket? (a maternity blouse--I never had a baby)
• All I get is a duck pond. (busy signal on the phone)
• This won't hurt, did it? (two bunnies, you-know'ing)
• Moose milk (beer)
• Your mouth runs like a bell clapper to a duck's ass.
• Skinny-well-fed.
• Aw, get up the hill!
• Jigs and Maggie (corned beef and cabbage).
• You have to accept your lot in life. (bull shit)
• Manana (sp? 'tomorrow' in Spanish)
• C'est la vie!
• Get to bed or you'll never get up in the morning! (I always was a nightowl!)
• To have a friend, you need to be one.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.....and I hope any of you who chose to wade through any of this had some fun and a little insight into parts of why I'm who I am. Happy Saturday with love from your SisSTAR! Don't let the bed bugs bite!